April 23, 2011

Alone in the Crowd

Have you ever felt so lonely when you were in the middle of people? Well, it’s what I felt before.

I was in a party—and I am not a party lover—with new friends I knew. The people were nice. The food was okay. The music was fine—though it was too loud for me. People talked and talked, and yes, I didn’t understand what they were talking about. They made some small groups and had their own conversations.

I was there, standing among them, with a glass of coke on my hand, listening to what they were talking about. Sometimes I smiled at them. Sometimes I nodded, pretending to understand. Sometimes I said few words just to make sure I really did understand them. Some of them spoke to me, trying to make a conversation. And because they spoke in the language I understand most, I felt comfortable talking to them. Some of them ignored me, perhaps because they were busy with their own stuff. But that was okay for me. I didn’t want to be the center of the Universe, anyway. But most of all, I was silent.

I knew I could just enjoy the moment; being with new people, enjoying the party, dancing when the music was on. But I guess, I was just a weirdo. Being there, when they spoke the language I am still trying hard to learn, I felt so lonely. I really wanted to get out from there, but I knew that I would be so selfish to do that because in that crowd was where my love was enjoying to be. I felt like I had those good sides and bad sides talking on my ears. The bad sides said, “Ey, you don’t enjoy the party. You’re not comfortable being here. What are you waiting for? Get out from here!” while the good sides said, “But you can’t go while he’s here. He enjoys this party. He loves being with his friends. You can’t break this moment. Stay here a little more. It isn’t that bad.”

And so I listened to the good sides and stayed. Time seemed to go very slow. I knew I should have just mingled with them and talked, but I couldn’t follow them. When they laughed, I didn’t know what they were laughing of. I felt so ridiculous I wished someone would save me and take me out from there.

Until then, the bad sides won. I couldn’t stay there any longer. First reason, I had to pee and I couldn’t pee just anywhere. I needed a toilet. And second one, I didn’t belong there. It wasn’t the place I wanted to be. I know I have been selfish by deciding to go. But well, like I said, I am not a party lover. 

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