June 06, 2013

Pain Changes People

Pain changes people.

That is one sentence I recently read, which can truly describe what I am thinking at the moment. I have been through a lot this year; far more than what I had during these 27 years of my life. I didn't expect any of them would happen. No one would, I suppose, but they happened and I had to go through all of them; betrayal, unfairness... you name them. 

I have always been a positive person, either towards situations or people. However, for the first time in my life, I do think negatively towards people. I do think they are using me, taking advantage of my kindness, sincerity and innocence. I was forced to use my patience to the limit. 

I've failed, of course. I couldn't bear it any longer. I blamed God for letting all of these happened to me and for leaving me all alone, seeking for help. Why would He leave me in such moments when I needed Him the most? Why would He let people do bad things to me? What did I do wrong in the past so that I deserved to experience a bunch of these shit? Why? 

I will never understand the way He works even though I have read so many times in so many different sources that He won't grant any problems to His people if He isn't fully sure that they will be able to cope them all. 

I was in pain. In fact, I am still in pain somehow and it changes me. I know, because I feel it, that I am not the same person I used to be. I may be wiser, but I may lose my faith towards people. I may be stronger, but I may turn myself into a cold-blooded person who won't feel sorry so easily. 

And so be it.

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